Oct
19
2009
I won’t see Low at the Beer Garden. Bitch. What a dumb city. What a name. Voice messages….who want them? I’m done with them. I’M done with you Heviliah. This isn’t real? Why not? I’m an everyday person, the person you see doing whatever, and you think nothing. You don’t think, oh he has no teeth or, oh, he’s great in bed.
This is what happens to me. This is what’s going on with me. I would like to start a new career, food, wine, hotel industry, behind the scenes hospitality? I don’t know. I would like some guidance, gussied up as amazingly fortuitous or not. I will run with the bullshit if it lands the right way at the right….
People want so much from you with their voices and messages, and voiced messages. They just become contacts to me, become pustules from a bad breakout that won’t play eradicate somehow. Just send me words…. I don’t feel as obligated to…
That’s the main game, becoming it, from the nation, to the planet, to the person, to boredom boring one’s insides into an endless cup of flavorless fountain soda. Inside you can hear the cacophony packing up to leave. What’s the main game? The end of the personal, and the big time days of the oh so personalized world, that really isn’t there at all.
Paid, I’ve paid.
Just give me little words to peel away. I can peel them away, drive away, dialogue rash anecdote! And here it is… no answering, no voice to put on. Honesty and directness, that’s what everyone wants! Oh yeah. Cure! Cure for everyone! Party time for the hale ascetics!
I don’t fucking know. See this tongue? See this thumb sticking out sore, bloodied rainbow jaw, and scratch off gold ruminations gone ploood?
Swoosh; peacock, so bored, too much to avoid doing. Lost my SIM Card… Where the hell is it? I lied about the knives. Whole day’s fucked! My apartments a mess! A voice message and it’s getting darker sooner. I was listening to Gorga’s show. I turned if off. I’m listening again. I thought it might serve as some sort of a minor tonic, burn away some puerile inner-bitching. Summertime is the best for listening, but for quiet? I’m not sure. Some hold with summer… for quiet.
It must be Gary. I knew it was. I don’t know where the time goes either, and I hate that fucking expression.
That’s how we really decided to get together, to finally have that talk. We’re adults now. I’m talking about Ray and Gary, and me of course. The radio show, Gorga’s, we all called in one night. This night, the one you may not have realized I’m still shooting out of, like a delayed bad high. Gary disguising his deaf Gary voice, with some other voice, talking about how he wanted to bring Rizzo’s Snorissbeam’s virginity back, because he fucked up the first time, didn’t get her all ready for his Lincoln Navigator, or whatever the truck brand name he used for his genitals at the time. Funny fuck. He was. I’ll give him that.
Gary just talking without a hint of facetious gaga brim bubble, not a shredola of call-in show sabotage glee. I will admit– his call brought my interest back into the show. It wasn’t simply because it was him, and I was sort of shocked that he was in town. This was when I truly realized that. I didn’t want to hear of the special glow in the dark backpack from some stiff’s youthful reminiscences, some youth living in the pricey Quincium district close to where I knew C Ray was now taking up residence. I wanted to hear Gary go on and on, exiting words lewd and funny on the topic of Rizzo’s Snorissbeam’s virginity. You can’t bring that back Gary, you dumb neck breaking fuck! Ha——!
Not long after that call, that call in show, we all sought each other out. We listened to each other’s calls. Gary’s call was first. I called shortly after. That’s how it worked. That’s how it works. It’s that stupid, and seemingly fraught with something powerfully other than human or material guiding the coalescing of…
Gorga talking to Gary: “What’s her number Pete? (Gary’s bullshit name) Shall we give her a call, and see if we can connect you again? We can’t bring back Rizzo’s virginity, but we could send you guys to the mall freighted with Uncle Hard Pretzel coupons. Yes? You can buy t-shirts, and everything might feel normal again between you guys. Yes? Uncle Hard coupons… It’s not every day. Was Tell us how you would do it differently? What did you do with her pants? Did you really ask to call her parents while in mid-coitus? What did you say to her mother? Did you talk to her mother? Or was it her big sister? You dirty bastard Pete. Who is this?”
Gorga kept on using Gary’s alias. She sounded more and more alarmed, something much more thrown off and angered, than some am I hoodwinked jokey edginess. When Gorga repeated who is this, I kept on saying Gary, Gare, (sounded like Glare without the L.) I kept on saying ‘glare without the L, on the floor with the radio off, computer on… I kept saying, I forgive you, and what right do I have to say that, and shit like that. And yes, I think Gorga was not totally fooled, as evidenced at the end of that call, from what she said, the best that I can remember. I’m sure Gary called in before. Bastard could really disguise his voice.
None of us used our real names. We sought each other out. There was a dizzying clash of feelings, emotions, anger, need for peace. It was certainly comical. We would talk about Low, and other people. I will stay away from her. I have to. The court says so. I will still occasionally listen to WDTIX.
I can do their theme song with my penny whistle. I bought Incredible Pushups to do pushups. You twist them when you’re coming up from a pushup. They rotate. I get stronger. I drew a number of animals with some green metallic paint on the black polymer surface of one of the Incredible Pushup rotating things with a very soft expensive brush. On the other one, I wrote Roman numerals. They looked like doomed buildings, my Roman Numerals. Its part of a game, a game called ‘when you notice this, when you notice that.’ You should play.
Voice mail! Who now? I don’t even pretend to have friends anymore. But I would again, and forget this game. But it’s difficult not to fondly recollect… in tranquility, the closest I’ll get to equanimity, certain emotions…
First I had to think what each animal represented. I assigned values to each one. Horse this, Rat that, understand? Perfect Pushup game, a new one all the time. I enclosed them in a lemon bright rectangle. My eye would need to focus on one of them. Whichever I focused on first, I would make a mental note, and then look askance at the other pushup rotating device, note the first Roman numeral I saw. I would do sets of fifteen or twenty. I would write down the results. I have an elaborate system devised wherein I decide if I will punish myself or reward myself for what I took in while doing the pushup set, a mean average based on my first looks.
I’ve got it down. I’ve got this game down. How do I punish myself? I’m not violent. I’m not a sore loser. I cannot countenance a cheat, a cheater. People look at the wrong rules. They don’t listen, pay attention… I spend so much time. I don’t talk like I’m thinking now when others are around, at the learning center or a ball game.
I love music, making special meals with the radio on. I only listen to a few songs with any great passion, only a few songs make me angry. All of Cheap Trick…all of their songs scour my last nub of good will. When I found Gary’s number, one of the first things I said was: “Fuck Cheap Trick.” I called him before Ray. That was much more difficult. I turned the man into a sort of craps table, a shoe of cards, skipping slot machine, something like that. He laughed. Gary actually laughed. We were talking! I softened, the absurdity of the call, his laugh, this enmity we were dragging around had lost its entrails.
Why should they really know me? The cheaters… I want my survivors to know me. I write a lot down. It’s time for another omelet. I’ve mastered making them. Chives are dirty, so I clean them, add part of a brick of cold cream cheese. My green and white omelet is perfect. Who doesn’t like to look at the heavy cream around the burnt silver frying pan?
A lot has to do with how hot the pan is when you pour the egg mixture. I say ‘a lot has to do,’ and I’m talking about, I mean, how the dish comes out, its texture mainly. I’m not angry all the time. I think about these things. I have a love of making food, preparing, plating it, thinking about courses, things like that. I won’t gamble anymore. I’m getting better. I’m meeting Chinny Ray soon. I feel like I really can with a heart spared a jabbing to death by my past actions towards him. I contacted him after hearing him break down and cry on that phone call to Gorga. The pain I felt hearing him recount what happened to him in college, what he would bring back, or live over again if he had the chance, do over again. Gorga was crying. This topic, how it game up just as we all listened. It was amazing, almost enough to make an obdurate non-believer believe in something out of nature, or supernatural. I poured myself a drink, slow whiskey cold.
I knew Ray in college a little. I thought he was a wise ass. Before the whole gambling thing went down, before the game I called Chinny Ray’s Wardrobe took off beyond my wildest expectations, made a minor celebrity of me on campus. Ray tried to buddy up with me after I was attacked by Gary who went to the same college I went to in western NY. They didn’t like each other, Ray and Gary. At that time, Ray was still blithely oblivious of my game starring him of course.
Now this program…Ray, breaking down, crying… It was not easy to stay on that phone, choking that phone like a fake spider at the end of a drunken night in a cheap rocking chair. He had no idea yet, Ray had no idea about how so many students, even some faculty members gambled on what items of clothing he would be wearing on a given day (including accessories for supplemental points towards cash reward.)
So we buddied up sort of. All my games, the betting, those white cards we distributed, pocketing cash, every article of clothing of Chinny Ray’s wafted along in my head, (not many to count) making me so sick. The English teacher who always bet the same: tight stone colored chinos with drab olive sweater and those cheap brown sneakers, Poonies, or whatever they were called. He was smart that English teacher, and a fucking perv to. D.H Lawrence my ass.
So there you have it. I was listening to Ray. Ray’s quavering voice, all the details as Gorga’s breathing got labored on the silent other end of the phone magic totter. He wanted to bring back his years in college, his early years. The gambling we did robbed him of those years, wanting to remember even the parts where he enjoyed himself, oblivious of my game. Me, I was the leader of it. I was the main fuck, but not the only. Everyone, all those bastards who would stealthily follow him around campus, the awful, viscose penalty boot to the sack, every shitty eye on you, every joke circulating at a party. Ray might have been just sitting around in the kitchen by the Chex mix party bowl, wanting to vomit, downing light beer or grape juice and vodka or whatever. I felt sick listening. I was behind this miserable call, this heart desiccating tale. He wanted to bring back those years, no one gambling on his clothing. No hidden cameras by his dorm room, no privacy eviscerated, turned into ethereal diarrhea, or whatever you want to name it, Gorga getting teary in vox.
Everyone was dressed neatly. They would come. We would meet. There would be a katrillion scattered episodes of menial or otherwise— personal Armageddon’s going as I waited. Everyone gets a free liter of Zero Spirit Shock soda to drink and toss. Everyone would be predigested, would become their experience. All resistance absorbed, used to keep the awful brittle but bruising order of things up. I kept writing sentences that started “Everyone…” I stopped. I stared at people passing by. Some of whom might be greater friends to me than any I might imagine without uttering a single word. Passing them, they pass you, they are still, and you are, together but not together. The way things really work the mechanics of how things that don’t work—operate.
Ding Dong. I was still getting dressed in my house in my head as I dozed into the runner of news squirting itself into wraparound dross under some somnolent interview. A myriad of outfits were slung over various chairs in the large basement where I store my wine, ride my garage sale exercise bike, peek at old costumes I use to wear back in Chittenango time, stuffed in boxes. I went with a vintage Gitman Bros sky blue button up shirt and a pair of stylish brown suspenders with a very fine set of red pinstripes on the back lower portion of the legs.
I was dressed in a more self consciously elaborate way. I want to be stylish but not saliently so, as many men do at perhaps a certain point in their life, or on a given occasion. It is a hang up I still have now and then, years after I discovered that strangers and friends were betting on what I would wear every morning. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I draw a picture called ‘Chinny Ray’s Revenge.’ This was an exercise suggested by my therapist, and had proven successful.
I had a reputation for not having much style, and for my wardrobe to consist of a few generic staples, and little in the way of accessories. Betting on my exact outfit with the paucity of its possible constituent parts so pointedly emphasized by a nonchalant sharp, would lead a gambler into a dangerously cocky faith in ‘winning.’ There’s nothing more American than the scene of a confidence man moving from city to city, awakening festival, to somnolent gathering of those looking to cheat the world, potion eyes stuffed with a crystal blue flagon, leaky tent throats unable to get cleared in time.
The game would only occasionally result in a partial victory most of the time. Such partial victory payouts or belief in future payouts were enough to keep the sucker stream felicitously flowing. Sound familiar? Singing: the micro, the macro, the fed, the fen roll, the magic of compound interest, the NGO, the Paper View, Dollar Dreams or Less Canopy blowing like a sail on evaporating seas, the two day sale, the mucky pup state’s dangling handlers and the whole damn paper empire… Sam Forskrenn knew this better than anyone. He made a lot of money off my misery. I was going to think of it, so I tried to think of it in a cold disinterested way, to learn what it was about, to disinfect myself from its refueling sting.
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